It is kind of tradition for online social life that one only intends to share the success, but not the failure, especially the weakest part of oneself. While, I think I just want to be here to tell you a me who you might never saw before. A totally defeated Yiqi for the first semester!
First semester of PhD program was really rough for me. I had to tell u that I barely survived. Without the help of my friends, especially a special friend, I would have already given up. If I have already known that PhD program would have been that hard, and will be harder in the following couple years… I would not have applied in the first place.
However, it is not God has not warned me that, he gave me the admission on Palm Sunday, He told that PhD study will be journey just like His Journey in Calvary. He gave me choices, and I still chose this road and pray so hard for this unusual road. I guess that rationally and spiritually I have no reasons to give up.
I went to church every morning to pray, I pray rosary every day, but my life had not been easier, and the ways I coped with stress were still really horrible. I chose to sin than to prayer. In some moments of this semester, especially the end, I almost felt that religion is a burden, which deprived me a lot of ways that i can enjoy my life. I almost felt that I want to sin, and then enjoy sinning.. that was the darkest part of my life.
I did a little bit research about myself, a 28 years old woman, Hormone began to change. I did not know what was wrong with myself( I will go to see counselor soon and share with you later), I feel really really depressed and sad during the special days of months. I had never felt in this way before. Those kinds of feeling add extra anxiety to the stress of my semester. I always told myself I wanted to end, I wanted to leave, or even sometimes, I told myself, i just wanted to die ( it should not count as suicidal idea, because I had no plan and no intention to do those things at all).
Then, I become very emotionally attached to some people which I should not have felt attached to in the first place. I feel so thankful for this special friend. Sometime, when I felt depressed and stressed, I hated myself, but thank you very much for still being able to tell me that you know it was not the real me, and thank you very much for being patient with me and still being my friend.
You might not know how much I dislike the me who was so weak, so unstable, and so depressed….
I have nothing to boast, except to boast about God’s grace for me. Thanks be to God for a great cohort and many special friends in my life who helped me go through the process.
I made a lot of mistakes this semester. Till some point, I had to say to myself, that devil can seduce me to sin because my weak human nature, but devil cannot separate me from God’s love. I will not give up, never!
I cried many many times, even after I turned in the last paper, because I just did not feel rewarding and did not feel end, and the truth is more works are ahead of me…I will not be able to complete PhD in a semester, so I guess I should just go step by step…
how can I make it better? I do not have an answer for you, the only thing that really helps me this semester is to admit my weakness both publicly and privately and actively ask for help, from professors, friends, professional counselors and most importantly, admitting that I am weak enough to resist the temptation and ask for God forgiveness and then forgive myself ( !!!) and move on with my life.
PhD program is different, and difficult. I wrote my blog here is not to discourage you but to share with you the true experience. When u are facing the same problems, you know that you are not alone. If I can survive, you can do the same.