Constant Struggles, Endless fulfilling, Rest in the Restless ( At the End of the Second Year PhD Study)

It is hard to imagine that it is already second year. I will finish all the course work and move to the topic which I might devote my life for.

I have been feeling sad, confused, uncertain about things I am experiencing, while at the same time, I am just being stronger and (maybe more introverted/indifferent) than I thought I could be. It is a good things in turns of that I know finally how to use “alcohol” +”prayers” to solve problems than exceedingly rely on others ( definitely, prayers are more important). It is also a good thing that I care less about the many, but care more and care deeper about the few.

I have also been feeling cynical about statistics, feeling cynical about the correlation without so called mechanism and explanation, but sometimes, you just have to trust those correlations, such as ” In America, average people have dated at once in their life with people out of their races or ethnicity, but only 1 % ends up in a long term relationship.” (this one does not have citations. I heard about that, but peer reviewed articles on this topic is more positive: see, I have wished and do believe the lovely 1% could happen, but eventually, I just have to trust the reality of so called “big data” . This correlation is not hard to find explanation on the human nature, no matter how we as human being trusts in the power of love.

Do I love what I do? The answer is YES! OF COURSE, otherwise I would not have told the counselors that after  I had two bottles of beers, cried, and cursed..  I still got up on time, and finished my papers and examines, and got all straight As.  It is sad/ good  at the same time that, study/research cannot be the only thing that brings happiness to my life.  BUT, I am still glad that they do bring fulfillment to my life and I do feel glad that I can be happy with a career I love, and wait until Lord grant me a life which can go with my career/ the tasks he called me to do.  Thanks be to God!

While the inspiration of this post is from a lovely poem written by a scientist (

After I read his poem, I have laughed for more than 10 min. I have never really seen a person who could write a poem for a protein. Think about that, we, social scientists deal with something we can see, we can feel, but we still treat them just as things ( data points) . but a scientist is dealing with something you cannot see through naked eye, and normally do not have feeling, but because of the exceeding love, those things can turn into something with temperature and characteristics. (I just cannot describe how lovely it is! ). Like he always said that, science is a human enterprise that brings constant fulfilling to life and he is just passionate about science to survive. Now, after reading his poem, I understand more about the joys of being with something one can devote life to.

Holy week has a really different meaning for me after I received my admission letter to PhD program. God told me that it is a cross that I have to embrace because I asked for it. I guess, if nothing is certain in this point of life, at least one thing is 100% certain: I have to embrace this cross, to endure all the struggles and pains, to learn more about the beauty of solitude, patience, detachments of worldly pleasure, until one day I can die joyfully for it. ( Leave all things in the hand of our Lord. )

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